Embarrassing myself

I played my first badminton singles match competitively (not professionally but Grade C?) and probably broke the record for the lowest score I could get… which is 1 and 2…. out of 21.

I don’t feel like a loser, but I do think I got to start training and make practice a priority if I want to improve from 2 points haha…

I have always played badminton for leisure, never for competitions. This is my first time doing so… and it definitely punches me in the gut to know I am not good enough yet.

I shall work hard, just like how I have to work hard for my PhD… because I see myself not achieving what I want in my PhD journey. A lot of things are still not good enough to me.

The progress on PhD has not been going smooth and easy. Had another meeting with my two supervisors yesterday and we kinda found an angle to target for my thesis… now we are talking some business.

Now I kinda wonder what I’d been doing for the past 2 years under my ex-supervisor. Felt like none of the work I’d done is meaningful at all.

And I think it is inevitable that I will need to do more interviews for my research. I am really reluctant to do so, and tried so hard to wriggle myself out of this “sample is not rich” problem since day one.

And did I mention I hate talking to people? It’s just tiring to be curious and pick out interesting things in a conversation. That’s why socialising is my least favourite thing to do as a grown up.

Maybe because I don’t like to embarrass myself, and in front of others.

Just like how I hate myself now for volunteering to play in the badminton matches.

Also, just felt bad for letting my team mates down… and potentially my PhD supervisors too.


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