… and the extension that I dreaded.
Despite my efforts to keep within my timeline of finishing PhD in 3 years, 2015 has not went very well. Changing supervisors and taking the whole drama pretty hard on myself made me question the reasons I came on board the PhD journey. I don’t know how I managed to pass through those few months with my new supervisor panel. I still remember the amount of tears I shed in the meetings, feeling afraid and angry at myself for losing it in front of them.
And then there’s the 6-month scholarship extension.
It allows me to submit my thesis later but I did felt like I failed in keeping my promise to finish this in 3 years. I thought I could achieve the impossible. While there is less 2 months to go before March comes around, I am still hanging a bit of hope to wrap up the writing by then.
I am grateful for being part of the PhD journey, but sometimes I lie in my bed thinking why on earth I am not giving up yet. I am not interested to be an academic (even though I am totally capable of handling the research part of the job) and I am not interested to publish, and I hate presentations. Not even sure whether I see value in my own work at times.
While I seek the light at the end of the tunnel, I know the only thing I can do is to move forward from now on and stop standing still like what I did for the past 6 months. I hate my unproductive self, but I have so little confidence in my own work, and myself, that it’s frustrating and tiring to continue this journey.
Not giving up yet. 2016 will be the year I am done with this PhD. And let me know if there’s such a thing as a thesis fairy… it will drastically help me finish my journey asap…
Less than 10 months to go and my word count for my thesis is back to zero.
I am glad that the supervisor fiasco is all over (not really… I have a tad feeling it is not over yet) and to have proper supervision now. These two supervisors have put my work under the microscope and have been interrogating me in every meeting.
Then I realised there are just too many flaws in my thesis.
And I really don’t communicate well in spoken words. I tend to stay silent during the meeting, because I am too afraid to speak out. And I don’t know what to say.
Have to admit that I don’t see any sparkles that would excite me with my research at the moment.
Perhaps I need more time to find the sparkles back.
Just returned from a quick trip to Taipei, and I was really enjoying the flight time where I don’t think about my thesis, and just plain not doing anything but sleep, watch some movies, and try not to get nauseous.
But most of all, I enjoyed spending my time with my family even though it was a short one.
Already missing them. Can’t wait to be back home in June for a bit of traveling.
For the time being, I shall try lighting up my dampened sparkles. Perhaps, I just need some time to dry out my dampened spirits haha…
Better start running! (And look for the finishing line)
Here comes the last 12 months of my PhD journey (I’m so set to complete in 12 months, idc).
Truth to be told, I am still not sure what I’m doing. At times, I feel lost in my own thoughts and endless typing. Even retyping the Literature Review sounds like a productive work (albeit, wasting time) to me.
To pen down my feelings now is quite challenging. Coming back into office after a four-week holiday back home with my family was something I looked forward to. Not until I received words that my SV has officially announce her resignation…. and next her exit from my supervisory team.
I felt quite lost when I first received her email stating her intention to leave the team. I thought with her leaving the university, she can still be my external sv anyway. Not sure what changed her mind, but it took me quite a while to digest and reply her email. And to decide that it’s best to move on and respect her decision.
I guess at times like this, being emotional is useless. Better save my tears for much more happier occasions.
On a side note though, now I kinda wonder my sixth sense was so firm in telling me I should complete my PhD in 2 years. I won’t say that I saw this coming, but I have been through so many occasions where my sixth sense was so much more accurate than the weather forecasts.
Off I go on a typing fiesta for the next 12 months.
It’s Boxing Day today! And I’m so unprepared for the full-on sales happening at the mall….
Not even sure whether I want to get everything on my wish list… but I feel like splurging and get heaps of retail therapy for the heck of it.
Anyway, not much of progress for writing as the year quiet down. I think at least being in the office and sitting in front of the screen reduce my guilty feeling.
As I move on to 2015, I would like to take my time reflecting of things that I’d done right and wrong for the year.
Though at times when I feel lost with my thesis, I question myself why on earth I’m doing PhD. I think next year onwards, I need to take on the driver seat of my PhD journey more seriously. It will be my last year being of this journey, and it will definitely be a challenging and an exciting one.
Perhaps I should remind myself that the finish line is really near… and that I can smell it!
I look forward to 2015, and cheers to many more good years ahead!
p/s: definitely have ate too much food over Christmas… and we haven’t even reach the new year yet!
… to thesis submission! Counting down years to months, and then to weeks and days would probably be the most exciting part of the PhD journey.
Trailing off from last week, the meeting with my supervisor wasn’t that nasty after all. Despite the fact that I didn’t finish writing a presentable draft, the office printer decided to fail on me, and my supervisor had to cut short our meeting to only 15 minutes…
That day, I truly appreciated the amount of good karma I’d accumulated over the years haha…
Or perhaps, I just got into a panic mode in which I suspect that it might have to do with those ladies’ hormonal-ups-and-downs time… hmm….
Anyways, I ended the work week with a much needed baking therapy which involves large doses of chocolate. Nothing beats 70% dark chocolate in a tart… I literally licked all my tools and bowls that have chocolate on them. It was therapeutic and all those worries that I had over the week about my thesis slightly disappeared for the night.
I have now confirmed that a stash of dark chocolate bar must exist in my office drawer.